Kiss & Tell – Eve Factor 16

March 24th, 2013

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Judy Garland

What is private and what is public information in your relationship? If you are wanting to avoid unpleasant disclosures in the future, then this is a factor you should spend some time discussing in great depth with your partner.

In most cases, when your partner provides others with too much information it is by accident. While the disclosure will often feel intentional, it is important to try and keep things in perspective.  Often times the reactions that follow a leak of classified information can be more damaging than the information shared.

When trust is betrayed there are often several events that follow. The first is distress, especially if this is a close relationship. We don’t expect these kinds of transgressions to come from those with whom we are intimately involved with. A betrayal of trust makes us question our judgement and perception of things.

The second effect is that the person who is betrayed will usually seal themselves off in order to prevent additional harm. Relationships require both individuals to interact and share, so when one partner withdraws it unbalances the entire relationship.

The third effect from a betrayal of trust often appears later on~ a real desire for justice. While seeking to right a wrong sounds justifiable, it often resembles a form of revenge which only elevates and worsens the situation. A real lose, lose situation.

The best solution would be to avoid getting into this situation in the first place. It starts by clearly communicating to your partner as to what is private and what is public information. Privacy does not always mean the same thing to everyone. If your partner is a little more “open” with information, then it is important that you discuss with him/her what is okay and what is not okay with you. If you are the one who is more open about your relationship, then error on the side of caution~ keep it to yourself.

If you have crossed the line and made a mistake, start by admitting it. By taking responsibility for the slip, you take that weight off of the person who was betrayed. This helps to  lower their level of distress, as they at least understand that this wasn’t something they brought upon themselves. In addition, by taking responsibility you are working towards restoring your partner’s trust, making it easier to address the situation and mend the relationship. Taking responsibility for your actions also reduces the odds of your partner seeking revenge and evening the score.

While there are some matters that are clearly not open for public discussion, there are some subjects that don’t have to be discussed or disclosed in private either. Just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that every aspect of your life has to be shared. The video below illustrates this situation quite well.

There are no clear rules that can be used to set the boundaries of personal disclosure across all relationships. Variations in culture, upbringing, and personality make this a factor where couples have to develop their own personal code that they will abide by. Take the quiz below to see how your relationship compares to others.

For additional information check out the link below:

Betrayal

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Give & Take – Eve Factor 15

January 23rd, 2013

“There is no such thing as a “self-made” man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.” George Matthews Adams

Feel free to substitute “woman” for “man” in the quote above. While Wonder Woman is out there somewhere taking the world on, all on her own~ it’s a lonely job. Not to mention a job that requires a very high degree of confidence as the outfit appears to be prone to wardrobe malfunctions.

For those lacking an Amazonian pedigree, its important to have a strong support system in place, one that provides you with encouragement and feedback. This can be one of the greatest benefits of having a healthy long term relationship.

In order to build a strong support system, it is important to understand the role of givers and takers in the world. At various points in our lives we may find ourselves alternating between the giver and the taker, but in order for a personal relationship to survive long term, there needs to be a balance between the two. If your relationship is too one-sided, it just won’t last. A relationship with a parasitic taker will only last as long as the taker continues to receive. Unless a giver is able to rid themselves of a parasitic taker, they are usually sucked dry with nothing left to give.

Long term relationships require more of a “mutualistic” relationship- one in which both sides benefit from the relationship. If your relationship feels off balance, then ask yourself what kind of relationship do you have- parasitic or mutualistic?  If you find yourself in a parasitic relationship, then be aware of how it might end. It is better to rid yourself of a parasite now, then to wait until you are too weak to do so. If your relationship is generally mutualistic, but feeling one-sided lately, then it’s important to discuss this with your partner. Communication is key to getting things realigned. Just remember, when addressing shortcoming or failures with your partner, you need to layer the message. Start with a positive, then the issue, and finish with a positive – this is a sandwich approach that most people can handle. Also, don’t forget the research by Dr. Gottman (discussed in my post,  Are you a stinker? )  that found the positive to negative ratio had better be five to one if a happy relationship is desired.

 

While the video above is cute and demonstrates positive feedback, it’s also important to give honest feedback. A friend is someone who not only tells the truth, but finds a way to say it so that it doesn’t do more harm than good. If you have a friend like that, then you wouldn’t need a “Lasso of Truth” or have to go it alone like a true Amazonian. Take the quiz below to see how “mutualistic” your relationship is looking.

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Something to Shout About – Eve Factor 14

December 9th, 2012

“My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.” Author Unknown

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t believe the author of the quote above is unknown, in fact, I believe he is in protective custody somewhere. The truth is, there are only a few couples who cannot relate to this quote. Even my wife claims we have a communication problem, or at least I think that’s what she said?

Over the past few decades, the common sense knowledge that men and women communicate differently has been proven time and again through numerous studies. Regrettably though, this knowledge hasn’t improved our ability to communicate with one another- well, not enough anyway. So if we are aware that men and women communicate differently, then why can’t we learn to communicate better?

There are several things that go on when men and women try to communicate. The first thing is that the objective of communication seems to be very different. In general, women talk as a means of sharing- they want someone to listen, empathize, and relate. While men are more focused on problem solving or bragging up their abilities. Not really a surprise that this area comes with communication problems.

The second thing is related to conversational content. For quite some time it was accepted that women talk far more than men. While this still feels like it should be true (as the father of five girls), more recent research has shown the differences to be quite small. The truth is that while the word count may not differ greatly between the genders, the content of those words (and their intended purpose) is very different. Scientists can now take a conversation converted to text and in 80% of the cases correctly identify the gender based on word patterns.

The differences in conversational content between the genders, while not readily evident in short exchanges or to casual observers, adds up. If there are enough exchanges over a wide range of topics in an extended period of time, nearly every relationship will experience some degree of miscommunication. The video below is a cute example of miscommunication and events spiraling out of control, does it sound familiar?

 

Just recently I had an experience in which the differences in male and female communication became abundantly clear. While my wife and I were out with another couple, both of us men completely missed a verbal request made by our wives. This attention failure resulted in several minutes of a one sided rant about male shortcomings. Unfortunately at the time, I had not yet discovered the study below as it would have explained the situation perfectly.

Researchers at the University of Sheffield in the UK have found that men and women really do hear each other differently. As it turns out, men truly do have selective hearing. When a man listens to a woman speak, he uses the part of his brain that processes music, not human voices. With women, however, there is no gender differentiation in the brain while listening to others. Telling my wife that listening to her is like music to my ears hasn’t gotten me out of a fix, but the table below has ~ I found it to be much more useful.

Survival Tips For Men: How To Communicate With Women

Suicidal

Safer

Better Yet

Winner

What’s for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Would you like more wine?

Are you sure that you can still fit in that?

Brown really brings out your eyes.

Wow!!! You look sensational!

Would you like more wine?

What are you so worked up about?

Could we talk about this some more?

Here’s my credit card, paycheck, and testicles.

Would you like more wine?

Should you be eating that?

Look, there’s lots of celery left over.

How about another piece of chocolate pie?

Would you like more wine?

 

While I still think the table above is all men need to know, evidence has been hard to come by as there have been few volunteers willing to test it. I do, however, have one last study that might help us get to where we want to be. It turns out that we have the ability to overcome all the gender communication differences ~ when we are attracted to someone we naturally mimic their speech patterns, thus making communication easier.

That’s right. Better communication is what happens when you have a genuine interest in another person. It’s really no different than when your relationship first began. The communication gap doesn’t show up for a while and it can be reversed.

If the lines of communication are down in your relationship, ask yourself if you have been taking a genuine interest in your partner. Maybe it’s time to book that weekend getaway or simply plan a dinner just for two, try something besides talking about it. To see how your relationship compares to others, answer the survey question below.

 

For additional information check out the link below:

Don’t Talk why talking about it might be the wrong choice

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Calling Cat Man – Adam Factor 14

November 17th, 2012

“A man’s house may be his castle on the outside; inside it is more often his nursery.” Clare Booth Luce

It has been said there is “someone for everyone,” but finding a perfect match may be harder than one thinks. With websites like Match.com and POF.com (PlentyofFish), it appears that many people are actively seeking a soul mate. But is there really someone for everyone? Or rather, is the search for the perfect match realistic?

Seeking a perfect match may be a bit unrealistic. Naturally you want to find someone with similar interests and similar views, but as no two people are completely alike, differences are likely to arise. Having a less than “perfect” relationship is okay, what matters more is having a relationship that can accommodate these differences. This blog addresses Adam Factor 14- “Do you like her style of decorating? Cleanliness? Is this a place you feel comfortable in?”

As part of dating and being in a committed relationship, both genders learn to make adjustments. Soon after my wife and I were married, we discovered some differences of opinion on how to set up house, particularly when it came to my “stuff.” For the most part, I didn’t care what color the curtains were or whether the comforter was made of down. What I did care about was having a place to come home to after work, where I could relax and think…or not think.

At first, we agreed that I could put my “stuff” in the spare bedroom. This worked out quite well until we were expecting our first child and my “man cave” became a nursery. Slowly and slowly, my space grew smaller and smaller until all that was allotted me was a tiny desk in the kitchen corner. Even that was a frequent topic of debate, but eventually my wife and I worked things out- I built myself an office!

Though a man’s castle is generally run by his partner, a man still needs to like the environment created for him. It’s important that men have a safe place where they can let their guard down. So accepted is this thought that nearly all cultures have built protections around the sanctity of a home. From the tribal areas of Pakistan to the English countryside, a man’s home is considered his castle. By and large, what occurs there is outside the concerns of others and even illegal behavior has to meet a higher threshold before authorities will violate that invisible barrier.

So what happens when the enemy is not outside, but within? Do you know men who are reluctant to return home or have created refuges outside or away from home? If a man cannot relax or put his mind at ease within his own home, it is going to impact the relationship sooner or later. The video below shows the importance of knowing your partner’s likes and dislikes.

When it comes to household matters it pays to know your limits- what you can live with and what you can definitely live without. Often these are things you don’t find out until you have been with someone for awhile, but some are obvious from the start. For instance, if you don’t like cats, you may want to avoid dating the cat lady!

If you are unhappy with the current state of your castle, it is important to discuss it with your partner. The alternative of seeking out other refuges is far more destructive to the relationship. While discussing things, remember to mention the things you do like. It is easy to focus on the negative and not the positive.

If your partner seeks your input, show some level of interest. I know a couple who was building their dream home a few years ago and the wife kept asking her husband’s opinion on various items. The husband, however, was less interested in whether the faucets were polished nickel or plated zinc. Whenever a question was asked, he simply replied “What’s cheapest?” The house was eventually completed and, indeed beautiful (the money was well spent), but could the experience have been better?

Here’s hoping your partner has made your house a home. As part of testing the theory that there is someone for everyone, please forward this on to any available men who may be up to the Nina challenge. Who will answer the call for Cat Man?

For additional information check out the links below:

Different Colors it turns out men and women do see things differently, there really might not be a difference between off white and pale white.

Gender Decoration Differences  great article with a helpful table, but isn’t it just easier to let her have her way with things, what’s cheapest?

 

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But Can She Cook? – Adam Factor 13

November 8th, 2012

“There is no sight on earth more appealing than the sight of a woman making dinner for someone she loves.” Thomas Wolfe

There is no doubt that women, in general, know the basic nature of men quite well. As women know an exposed ankle can bring a man from across the room, they also seem to understand that certain foods can work just as well.  Thus, the age old saying- “the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

The fact that men have an interest in the physical attributes of women is well documented. The appeal or role of food in relationships, though, is less clear as there is no hard scientific evidence to provide any real direction. Not to say that food doesn’t matter to women, but there is still something different about the relationship between men and their food. This factor does indeed become a test of gut instincts.

In thinking about why this factor is so important to men, the answer may be quite simple. There are very few things in life that men can control or count on. From the performance of their favorite sports team on Saturday to what the economy does the following week- it’s all out of their control.  Food, on the other hand, can provide a reliable comfort in an uncertain world. The steak at T-Bone Bob’s, bagels from Dough Holes, or the triple filtered imported Scotch~ all have the ability to offer men an anchor point.

No doubt that women are also subjected to the same environmental pressures, so is food any less of a comfort to them? Probably not, but there is evidence showing there are differences in comfort food preferences between the genders. It turns out that women prefer snacks (chocolate, cookies, Starbucks) and men prefer meals (burgers, pizza, steak).

If you take the general comfort food preferences of both men and women and look at how these foods are usually consumed~ the picture starts to become a bit clearer. Men would, on average, have fewer chances to enjoy their comfort food as these foods are eaten in a single event versus all day snacking. So what happens when that highly anticipated meal is a disappointment?

Understanding that the “key to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is a phrase most women have heard and many women fully understand the role food plays in the lives of men. Applying this concept, doesn’t mean a women has to be a Rachael Ray in the kitchen- bringing home his favorite pizza on the way home from work counts as well. When a woman offers this kind of comfort to a man, it just means that much more.

One way in which food can become an issue in a relationship is through a lack of communication.  For starters, men are usually not demanding apple pies made from scratch or white tablecloth service. What men are really wanting is comfort food and it tastes even better when someone else cares enough to provide it. Women, do you know his “comfort” foods? Men, have you told your partner what foods you like?

Another reason why this factor can cause problems in a relationship is that women DO NOT WISH TO COMPETE WITH A MAN’S MOTHER!  That’s right, there is nothing appealing about this kind of culinary competition. If a woman makes an attempt to bring her partner this kind of comfort and he merely mentions the word “mother”~ it is an automatic performance killer. So, men, if you are wanting to continue receiving macaroni and hot dogs on those down days, keep your mouth shut about how your mother uses real cheese with real beef dogs instead of the powdered cheese stuff with heart healthy turkey dogs. Maybe she can’t cook but you’d better be ready to eat.

For additional information check out the links below:

Different Colors it turns out men and women do see things differently

Food Preferences  there are fewer difference in overall food preferences between men and women than it appears, especially if results outside North America are taken into consideration

 

 

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