Archive for the ‘Eve’ Category

Kiss & Tell – Eve Factor 16

Sunday, March 24th, 2013

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Judy Garland

What is private and what is public information in your relationship? If you are wanting to avoid unpleasant disclosures in the future, then this is a factor you should spend some time discussing in great depth with your partner.

In most cases, when your partner provides others with too much information it is by accident. While the disclosure will often feel intentional, it is important to try and keep things in perspective.  Often times the reactions that follow a leak of classified information can be more damaging than the information shared.

When trust is betrayed there are often several events that follow. The first is distress, especially if this is a close relationship. We don’t expect these kinds of transgressions to come from those with whom we are intimately involved with. A betrayal of trust makes us question our judgement and perception of things.

The second effect is that the person who is betrayed will usually seal themselves off in order to prevent additional harm. Relationships require both individuals to interact and share, so when one partner withdraws it unbalances the entire relationship.

The third effect from a betrayal of trust often appears later on~ a real desire for justice. While seeking to right a wrong sounds justifiable, it often resembles a form of revenge which only elevates and worsens the situation. A real lose, lose situation.

The best solution would be to avoid getting into this situation in the first place. It starts by clearly communicating to your partner as to what is private and what is public information. Privacy does not always mean the same thing to everyone. If your partner is a little more “open” with information, then it is important that you discuss with him/her what is okay and what is not okay with you. If you are the one who is more open about your relationship, then error on the side of caution~ keep it to yourself.

If you have crossed the line and made a mistake, start by admitting it. By taking responsibility for the slip, you take that weight off of the person who was betrayed. This helps to  lower their level of distress, as they at least understand that this wasn’t something they brought upon themselves. In addition, by taking responsibility you are working towards restoring your partner’s trust, making it easier to address the situation and mend the relationship. Taking responsibility for your actions also reduces the odds of your partner seeking revenge and evening the score.

While there are some matters that are clearly not open for public discussion, there are some subjects that don’t have to be discussed or disclosed in private either. Just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that every aspect of your life has to be shared. The video below illustrates this situation quite well.

There are no clear rules that can be used to set the boundaries of personal disclosure across all relationships. Variations in culture, upbringing, and personality make this a factor where couples have to develop their own personal code that they will abide by. Take the quiz below to see how your relationship compares to others.

For additional information check out the link below:

Betrayal

Give & Take – Eve Factor 15

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

“There is no such thing as a “self-made” man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.” George Matthews Adams

Feel free to substitute “woman” for “man” in the quote above. While Wonder Woman is out there somewhere taking the world on, all on her own~ it’s a lonely job. Not to mention a job that requires a very high degree of confidence as the outfit appears to be prone to wardrobe malfunctions.

For those lacking an Amazonian pedigree, its important to have a strong support system in place, one that provides you with encouragement and feedback. This can be one of the greatest benefits of having a healthy long term relationship.

In order to build a strong support system, it is important to understand the role of givers and takers in the world. At various points in our lives we may find ourselves alternating between the giver and the taker, but in order for a personal relationship to survive long term, there needs to be a balance between the two. If your relationship is too one-sided, it just won’t last. A relationship with a parasitic taker will only last as long as the taker continues to receive. Unless a giver is able to rid themselves of a parasitic taker, they are usually sucked dry with nothing left to give.

Long term relationships require more of a “mutualistic” relationship- one in which both sides benefit from the relationship. If your relationship feels off balance, then ask yourself what kind of relationship do you have- parasitic or mutualistic?  If you find yourself in a parasitic relationship, then be aware of how it might end. It is better to rid yourself of a parasite now, then to wait until you are too weak to do so. If your relationship is generally mutualistic, but feeling one-sided lately, then it’s important to discuss this with your partner. Communication is key to getting things realigned. Just remember, when addressing shortcoming or failures with your partner, you need to layer the message. Start with a positive, then the issue, and finish with a positive – this is a sandwich approach that most people can handle. Also, don’t forget the research by Dr. Gottman (discussed in my post,  Are you a stinker? )  that found the positive to negative ratio had better be five to one if a happy relationship is desired.

 

While the video above is cute and demonstrates positive feedback, it’s also important to give honest feedback. A friend is someone who not only tells the truth, but finds a way to say it so that it doesn’t do more harm than good. If you have a friend like that, then you wouldn’t need a “Lasso of Truth” or have to go it alone like a true Amazonian. Take the quiz below to see how “mutualistic” your relationship is looking.

Something to Shout About – Eve Factor 14

Sunday, December 9th, 2012

“My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.” Author Unknown

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t believe the author of the quote above is unknown, in fact, I believe he is in protective custody somewhere. The truth is, there are only a few couples who cannot relate to this quote. Even my wife claims we have a communication problem, or at least I think that’s what she said?

Over the past few decades, the common sense knowledge that men and women communicate differently has been proven time and again through numerous studies. Regrettably though, this knowledge hasn’t improved our ability to communicate with one another- well, not enough anyway. So if we are aware that men and women communicate differently, then why can’t we learn to communicate better?

There are several things that go on when men and women try to communicate. The first thing is that the objective of communication seems to be very different. In general, women talk as a means of sharing- they want someone to listen, empathize, and relate. While men are more focused on problem solving or bragging up their abilities. Not really a surprise that this area comes with communication problems. The video below is considered by some a humorous example while others might find fail to see the humor.

 

The second thing is related to conversational content. For quite some time it was accepted that women talk far more than men. While this still feels like it should be true (as the father of five girls), more recent research has shown the differences to be quite small. The truth is that while the word count may not differ greatly between the genders, the content of those words (and their intended purpose) is very different. Scientists can now take a conversation converted to text and in 80% of the cases correctly identify the gender based on word patterns.

The differences in conversational content between the genders, while not readily evident in short exchanges or to casual observers, adds up. If there are enough exchanges over a wide range of topics in an extended period of time, nearly every relationship will experience some degree of miscommunication. The video below is a cute example of miscommunication and events spiraling out of control, does it sound familiar?

 

Just recently I had an experience in which the differences in male and female communication became abundantly clear. While my wife and I were out with another couple, both of us men completely missed a verbal request made by our wives. This attention failure resulted in several minutes of a one sided rant about male shortcomings. Unfortunately at the time, I had not yet discovered the study below as it would have explained the situation perfectly.

Researchers at the University of Sheffield in the UK have found that men and women really do hear each other differently. As it turns out, men truly do have selective hearing. When a man listens to a woman speak, he uses the part of his brain that processes music, not human voices. With women, however, there is no gender differentiation in the brain while listening to others. Telling my wife that listening to her is like music to my ears hasn’t gotten me out of a fix, but the table below has ~ I found it to be much more useful.

Survival Tips For Men: How To Communicate With Women

Suicidal

Safer

Better Yet

Winner

What’s for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Would you like more wine?

Are you sure that you can still fit in that?

Brown really brings out your eyes.

Wow!!! You look sensational!

Would you like more wine?

What are you so worked up about?

Could we talk about this some more?

Here’s my credit card, paycheck, and testicles.

Would you like more wine?

Should you be eating that?

Look, there’s lots of celery left over.

How about another piece of chocolate pie?

Would you like more wine?

 

While I still think the table above is all men need to know, evidence has been hard to come by as there have been few volunteers willing to test it. I do, however, have one last study that might help us get to where we want to be. It turns out that we have the ability to overcome all the gender communication differences ~ when we are attracted to someone we naturally mimic their speech patterns, thus making communication easier.

That’s right. Better communication is what happens when you have a genuine interest in another person. It’s really no different than when your relationship first began. The communication gap doesn’t show up for a while and it can be reversed.

If the lines of communication are down in your relationship, ask yourself if you have been taking a genuine interest in your partner. Maybe it’s time to book that weekend getaway or simply plan a dinner just for two, try something besides talking about it. To see how your relationship compares to others, answer the survey question below.

 

For additional information check out the link below:

Don’t Talk why talking about it might be the wrong choice

Dogs and Cars – Eve Factor 13

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

“Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.” Author Unknown

Men are dogs, it’s true. There are some conditions that no amount of training or education can completely cure. So let’s be honest here, your man is not going to stop looking at other women. No matter how many times you scold him and send him to the dog house, he’s still going to look.

So if this is a normal guy thing, then why do women get so upset? Why can’t women just accept this behavior? It all comes down to respect and consideration and the way in which the looking is done. Women know men look, but it’s when men make it obvious that it becomes such an issue.

This factor is one where both genders can take extreme positions and ask impossible things of one another. Women to men, “Stop looking at other women.” Men to women, “Stop getting so upset when I look at other women.” It’s an argument that no one will win. In order to address this issue, we need to understand why men look at other women first.

THE THREE MAIN REASONS WHY MEN LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN

  1. Checking out the opposite sex is part of human nature, it’s biological.  In fact, both genders are known to have a wandering eye. Scientific research is showing that women also take a second look (but are apparently more discreet).
  2. Looking at women is very rewarding for men.  The sight of a curvy woman, provides men with the same chemical rush as using cocaine or other drugs.
  3. They are being rude and inconsiderate.  When men look at or talk about other women in front of their partner, it shows a complete lack of consideration and it is naturally offensive.

 

The first two reasons for why men look at other women are obviously beyond changing. It is important that women come to grips with this reality and not have unrealistic expectations. If you cannot accept some of the basic biological realities of human nature, then you’d  better stick with the imaginary men found in books and movies.

That leaves reason number three, a complete lack of consideration. There is no shortage of men who have made this reason an issue and an equal number of women who are fed up with their behavior. Most likely you’ve seen this sort of behavior firsthand, whether you were the woman or the “other” woman. The following video may seem all too familiar, depending on which side you are on.

Most men will get caught looking at another woman at some point in the relationship (yes, even your man). What most men need to learn is to be more discreet-  in other words, to behave more like women!  Women check out men as well, but they do tactfully (without getting caught) and generally keep quiet about it.

When a man is purposely looking at or blatantly commenting on other women, it is understandable why it would be upsetting to his partner. A man who will not show some self restraint is not only disrespecting his partner, but showing everyone else just how little he appreciates her. All men are dogs by nature, but if your man is needing a shock collar, it may be time to put that puppy out.

THE PROBLEM WITH MEN LOOKING AT PROVOCATIVE IMAGES OF WOMEN

Nowadays, men are constantly bombarded with provocative images of women on their computers, on television, in magazines, and so on. And are they complaining? No, but they should be. Men who are exposed to these images will become desensitized over time.

While men have always had an appreciation for something new and novel, technology has changed the game. What once involved a three week trek to the neighboring tribe four rivers to the east is now never more than two seconds and a click away on the world wide web.

As technology has rewritten the human experience, there have been some darker unintended consequences- the creation of a large number of porn addicts and a general culture in which women are viewed as mere objects as opposed to human beings.  A new term has even been coined to describe the situation facing a number of men, porn creep. Sadly much of this was foreseen by feminist author Naomi Wolf when she wrote, “In the end, porn doesn’t wet men’s appetites- it turns them off the real thing.” The link to her article is below and is highly recommended, please share!

To keep your relationship from getting hurt, this is a behavior that needs to be monitored. Like dogs that chase cars the end result is predictable- roadkill! Men who view women as objects are not suitable for relationships with real women which require respect and consideration. Take the quiz below to see how your relationship compares and click on the links provided to see more on this subject.

For additional information check out the links below:

The Porn Myth   An exceptional article published nearly 10 years ago, written by Naomi Wolf

Ten Legit Reasons Women Hate Porn   Best list I have seen

Men Thinking   How women cause men to lose their minds

To Porn or not to Porn   Another look and take on male/female views on porn

Women and Porn  It’s not just men who have an addiction

The Science of Looking  The difference between what men and women look at

The Man Makeover – Eve Factor 12

Sunday, September 16th, 2012

“Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them.” Bill Kelly

Has your partner gotten a little too comfortable around you? Has he forgotten all his manners and is treating you more like one of the guys? If you are tired of hearing “pull my finger,” then perhaps its time to rate your mate on etiquette.

Men are aware of what good manners and etiquette are- an informal code of conduct that reflects the social norms and expectations of a society- they just choose to ignore it! It’s their behavior- how a person expresses their attitude, values, and beliefs- that women struggle with the most. Few women seem satisfied with their partners when it comes to etiquette and manners, mainly because men will often have better manners in public than in private. This lack of consideration at home leaves women feeling disgusted and disappointed with their partner.

Why do men behave like this? It shouldn’t be so difficult for them to control themselves, women do it all the time. Well, perhaps exercising this control is just too tiring for men and when they are around their partners they just want to “relax” and “be themselves.” The video below is a fine example of a guy who has become a little too comfortable around his partner.

Good manners and etiquette are primarily about showing consideration for the needs and feelings of others- showing them respect. This subject covers several different areas (each one listed below) but manners are a package, neglecting one area will detract from the others. Your partner doesn’t have to be British to impersonate James Bond when it comes to this behind the scenes preparation.

  1. Personal Hygiene  Cleanliness is next to attractiveness, more specifically good personal hygiene which includes washing, shampooing, and brushing. The removal of bacteria, dirt, and other substances is the first step towards the elimination of odors that others find offensive. The second step is about finding products others will find attractive; deodorants, colognes, and mouthwashes.
  2. Personal Grooming   This factor goes beyond cleanliness and is about presentation. Facial hair or hair styles need to be appropriate, ear and nose hair should be trimmed, eyebrows need to be groomed, both finger and toe nails trimmed, and occasional dental work as necessary.
  3. Clothing  It has been said, “Clothes make the man.” While shallow and not in line with popular opinion this statement is still valid. Judgements are made based on how one chooses to dress that have nothing to do with personality or ability. It is best to dress at all times in a manner that reflects the professional and personal image you are wanting others to see.
  4. Acts of Consideration, Words  The correct word choices to express gratitude (thank you) or make requests of others (please) will influence how others perceive an individual.
  5. Acts of Consideration, Actions  Proper table manners (dining versus feeding), control of bodily functions (burping, scratching, passing gas), and chivalry (old fashioned manners have never gone out of style) are all examples of consideration for others.

 

The difference between men and women when it comes to the expectations of proper behavior can be substantial. At the core of this matter, though, is respect and consideration of others. While some may claim that manners and etiquette are a fraud and hide the true nature of people, it’s also important to remember that the company of other people is a privilege not a right. So when it comes to manners, there’s not much to be gained by having low standards. This is especially the case with relationships, as women place a very high value on the manners of men.

Go ahead and give your partner a score in the quiz below, see just how fortunate or… you really are. If additional information is needed on etiquette and manners click on the links below. Keeping Score is a great conversation starter and by opening the discussion you may just be able to change your Shrek into a 007. And if all else fails, show him the video below. If women are willing to endure this, surely men can manage to take a shower or open a car door. Seems quite small in comparison.

For additional information check out the links below:

Manner and Etiquette  why it matters

Hygiene 101  basic personal hygiene information for relationships