”The labor of women in the house, certainly enable men to produce more wealth than they otherwise could: and in this way women are economic factors in society. But so are horses.” Charlotte Perkins Gilman
The quote above is a good example of how things change. Things have changed enough that some suggest the quote can be applied to men today. I don’t think it is a mistake to suggest that many men today are struggling. Not only is the economy not producing the types of jobs men have traditionally excelled at, but the role of men in relationships is also changing. In 1970 only 4% of relationships had women earning more than their male partners, today that figure stands at 22%. All these changes add up to even bigger changes in the lives of men.
While women earning more money than men is a new trend, history suggests women have consistently contributed as much or more than men to the welfare of relationships. Studies of hunter/gather groups have shown that women are no slackers when it comes to adding value to society (childcare not included). The science, however, is conflicted on what gender provides the most calories or the most valued calories- both studies are attached here for your reading pleasure, Pro Women Pro Man
It is possible we are returning to a more traditional relationship model than we would of thought at first. Our general belief that one person brings home the bacon while another cooks it and watches the kids has no long term historical support. From hunter/gather groups to our more recent pioneer past, it has always taken the joint effort of a couple to support a household. The saying, “A woman’s work is never done,” is hardly a new observation or recent phenomenon.
What has changed is the widespread use of money as a means for settling transactions and it has likely altered our relationships with others. In the distant past, the contributions of an individual to the relationship were less transparent or measurable. How many baskets of berries does it take to equal four rabbits, is a deer in June worth as much as four geese are in February? Today money allows us to put a specific value on things (rabbits, berries, shelter, clothing) and directly compare the contributions each individual makes to the relationship over extended periods of time.
How are men handling all these changes? By nearly all available accounts and observations not very well. Men whose partners earn more than them, can often be found sabotaging the relationship and are five times more apt to cheat on their partner. Not quite the payoff many women were expecting from the late nights of studying and the mountains of student debt they acquired. In short, men do not appear capable of being “well kept” and women seem to prefer men who have a regular daily activity called a job, Love and Unemployment.
This was suppose to be the end of this factor, but there is so much information that we are going to need a Part Three to finish things up! So far we have covered how both women and men feel about income and relationships. The third and final post for this series will try to put all four pieces together. If you haven’t already, take the relationship quiz below to see where your relationships fits.
For additional information check out the link below:
I’m going to have to see some more information on money being part of the problem, but I can agree that “June Cleaver” was a fictional creation that we cannot imitate. I remember going to my grandparents house. The backyard was a garden, my grandmother spent her summers weeding. The basement was filled with cannned goods and there was a time she even took in laundry. They were never rich but they raised four kids and retired in relative comfort. They were married for 53 years (she passed away first). One of my cousins once asked her how they had managed to stay married all those years, she replied “We were to poor to make it on our own, we had to stay together until we learned to get along.”
My mother didn’t have a garden but did have a variety of jobs that made significant contributions to the family well being. Me and all my sibling graduated from college debt free thanks to her. I don’t know where the notion that women should just tend to children and the house came from but it has not been the reality I have seen and it seems almost impossible to provide today.
Very thought provoking post, have a feeling the comments might even be better. Nice site, thanks.
I was wondering how this factor was going only be a one to two post subject as it takes a lot of discussion in the book as well. Looking forward to seeing what comes next. Can agree that men have not been handling things well.
I’m on the verge of second divorce because I earn significantly more than my spouse and my ex-spouse. In both cases it started out with them earning more than me, changes in the economy and this last downturn made me the one bringing home the bigger paycheck.
We even pool our money but me making the larger conribution has shifted the dynamics in our relationship in a way I would have never anticipated had I not experienced this before. Their is something about having a woman earn more money than them that seems to neuter men. I didn’t do this on purpose and we need my salary to make ends meet but there are moments where I really wish I had been the one laid off or looking at a career that was over. There is no support for women in this situation.
The only time and place I can ever remember seeing households where it didn’t take two people to pay all the bills was on TV. Call it “Cleaver Syndrome”, some of us just have a lot more experience with reality. As for men being threatened or disturbed by women out earning them, what did they think was going to happen as they failed to get skills that would be of any future value?
Of the panoply of websites I’ve pored over this one has the most veracity. Great material.
I can relate to your situation Vanessa, I now earn significantly less than my wife and it has created some issues in our relationship. Keep in mind that even in the past when I earned more she still largely spent and invested our money. That trend still continues today but now I just contribute less. There’s an underlying tension that seems to find it’s way into every corner of our relationship. We aren’t fighting but for reasons neither of us can quite identify things are tense. It’s not like I can talk this over with guy friends either, there’s plenty of us in this situation but it’s not a topic you discuss. If it makes you feel any better there’s no support for men either.
Working through this issue is a real challenge, our problem was finding the neutral ground where we could talk about it. Luckily for us we saw a pre-marital counselor that brought up this issue and a number of others we had been avoiding. Cannot recommend this service enough.
I know we all say that love is all that matters but all the polls, surveys, and studies show we are being less than honest with ourselves. The past couple years have tested my personal beliefs and I found the truth to be somewhere in between. I miss having my husband bringing home the larger check, both for the feeling of security it gave me and the sense of pride it gave him. Yet as things have changed we have both grown. We have learned to live with less, place more value on shared experiences, and have found other ways to define what contributing to the relationship means (other than money). I think it will all pay off someday as when we have kids I want to take some time off and will likely be more dependent on him. As we are sorting this stuff out now will make it easier in the future and provides us both with alternate viewpoints.
Hey! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I really enjoy reading through your blog posts. Would be great if you could add links to other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same subjects? Thank you so much!